THE SECRET CLOSET

They say that some people leave fingerprints on our hearts forever and I definitely believe that is true. I am fortunate enough to have several people like that in my life. If God hadn’t sent them my way or sent me their way, I would never be as I am now. I can think of a certain mechanical drawing teacher who started me on the path of believing in myself. I think of my pastor’s wife who furthered that work, and my husband who is continuing that work of making life such a joy and learning to see all the rainbows after the storms.

Yet even with all of these wonderful people including my mother, there was a special person who did a special job that only she could do...that was my Nanikin.

They say that as a little one that was what I called her and that’s what I’ll always call her. A simple name can say so much and for me that name holds a tenderness, an enduring affection, a treasure so precious that mere words are not enough. Just a thought of her or a mere mention of that name brings a flood of emotion and memories that will caress my very soul for eternity.

For Nanikin was my dear grandmother and my dearest friend and companion. If grandmothers should hold the task of preparing the following generations for life, she surely has left a legacy. The lessons she taught me were many and she had the special gift of making me as only a child feel so important. Both of us were in tune at the same level; silly, serious, fearful at times, uncertain of the future, passionate, joyful, generous and giving.

She taught me to look for the best in life and expect only the best ( you can love a rich man as easily as a poor man). She taught me to find humor in almost any situation and laugh in the face of adversity (if life gives you lemons, make lemonade).

I learned from her never to be ashamed of who I am or to express who I am openly (better let it out and bear the shame that keep it in and bear the pain!!)

Anyone who knows Nanikin must have something in their house that she gave them for in giving she found her joy and no one went home empty-handed. Some say she was a spend thrift but I say she had a heart of generosity that knew not even the limits of maxing a credit card. (I remember her t- shirt that read "Can I pay my visa with my master card?")

Another beauty of Nanikin was her honesty. She opened herself and shared her failures as well as her triumphs with me so I could learn from them. She never tried to be someone that she wasn’t or wanted me "to do as she said and not as she did". I believe that somehow she knew how important it is to also share our failures with others so they may know that we struggled with the same things that they did and learn from their mistakes.

Every moment I was with her, every weekend that I took a bus to Philly to be with her and Grandpop, every time she came to take care of my brother and I while our parents were away...to me these were moments in time where I gathered lessons from her life and from what she shared. Those times have given me the ability to face the future with my head high knowing that God will not allow anything to come my way that I won’t be able to handle if I hold His hand.

She taught me to take risks in life knowing that many times these steps in faith are what bring the most happiness. Who would have thought that I would marry a man from South America and go to live thousands of miles from all that was comfortable and familiar to me? Yet I have made a place for myself in this corner of the world and can truly say that that risk and the stumbling blocks I had to cross were all worth it and now I know that I could be happy in Pakistan in the midst of war knowing the peace that the Lord had sent me there. "You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do."

Nanikin had a special place where she hid surprises and treasures and then forgot about them. She called it "the secret closet" and every time I went to her house even until the last time I was there with my four children and my husband, she opened up her secret closet and found a treasure for each of them. So everyone has something from her closet and everyone should have their own secret closet … A symbol of charity and kindness and of showing others you care with simple treasures.

So my home is filled with simple treasures, memories of her and her goodness, her unending thoughtfulness. She was the one who invented the CARE package if any would like to know. And I’ll tell you, it was mostly filled with CARE.

The last time I saw my dearest was when I visited her in the hospital. I knew I’d be leaving for Chile in a few days and that I might never see her here on this earth again. She had battled cancer of her mouth, breast and brain and she was so worn out.

As I spent time with her that day, she was able to reply only a bit to most of my comments and questions yet there is something that was unmistakable a demonstration of her deep, conscious love for me... she held my hand that day so tight, I don’t even knew how she mustered up the strength and when I finally had to leave she wouldn’t let it go.

And those beautiful brown eyes of hers held mine, filled with tears. She knew this would probably be our last encounter.

God never wanted there to be suffering or death here in this world. Yet in his goodness, He allows death as a release from the suffering of this world. Nanikin had had enough. In His mercy he allowed her to enter her rest and I am thankful that she doesn’t have to go through any more.

Now that she is gone, a generation has passed away, yet we are reminded of our duties to do the same for our children... to leave a legacy of love and unselfishness and unconditional acceptance to those who will follow us.

Alicia  Packard Tornel

7 July, 2002

Also see Always My Mama

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Rev 12:10  And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation and strength and the kingdom of our God and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night.

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